"To love means to have a desire for perfecting oneself and the person one loves, to overcome one's own egoism and to give oneself.” - St. Gianna Beretta Molla
The Engagement
Prelogue
The Lễ Đính Hôn is a Vietnamese Engagement Ceremony where FI's family asks for my hand in marriage and then we formally announce our acceptance and state our intention to marry one another. By the end of the day, we will have gained a set of in-laws.
Le Dinh Hon Preparation
This section is for fellow Vietnamese brides to bounce ideas for their Lễ Đính Hôn. These pictures came from Bao Chi Dung and not from mine.
1. In general, the boy and his family and friends carry, in this order:
These trays are wrapped in red cellophane or covered in red fabric, traditionally with the Double Happiness character or a dragon and a phoenix on it. The order of procession is usually:
1. In general, the boy and his family and friends carry, in this order:
- the bride's bouquet;
- a tray containing either a decanter or a bottle of liquor and two shot glasses to ask for permission for the groom to proceed;
- a tray containing Betel nuts and leaves, which symbolizes unbreakable commitment;
- a tray containing tea;
- a few trays containing various fruits;
- a tray containing cake;
- a tray containing cookies for tea;
- a roasted pig with the tail and feet still intact.
These trays are wrapped in red cellophane or covered in red fabric, traditionally with the Double Happiness character or a dragon and a phoenix on it. The order of procession is usually:
- the groom's family representative;
- the groom's father;
- the groom; then
- the rest.
How we envision our Le Dinh Hon
This section is for fellow Vietnamese brides to bounce ideas for their Lễ Đính Hôn. These pictures came from Bao Chi Dung and not from mine.
1. In general, the boy and his family and friends carry, in this order:
These trays are wrapped in red cellophane or covered in red fabric, traditionally with the Double Happiness character or a dragon and a phoenix on it. The order of procession is usually:
1. In general, the boy and his family and friends carry, in this order:
- the bride's bouquet;
- a tray containing either a decanter or a bottle of liquor and two shot glasses to ask for permission for the groom to proceed;
- a tray containing Betel nuts and leaves, which symbolizes unbreakable commitment;
- a tray containing tea;
- a few trays containing various fruits;
- a tray containing cake;
- a tray containing cookies for tea;
- a roasted pig with the tail and feet still intact.
These trays are wrapped in red cellophane or covered in red fabric, traditionally with the Double Happiness character or a dragon and a phoenix on it. The order of procession is usually:
- the groom's family representative;
- the groom's father;
- the groom; then
- the rest.
2. The groom's family gives the gifts to the bride's family. The guys and girls chosen to do the exchange are ideally young and unmarried and don't have to be related to the bride or groom.
3. Everyone goes inside into the living room. From here on out, the ceremony is controlled mostly by the reps of the groom and bride. The bride's rep introduces the family starting again with the oldest. Then the groom's rep introduces his family. The groom's rep then states his intention.
4. The groom's rep uncovers the gifts and states what the gifts are.
5. The bride's mom calls the bride downstairs. For some brides, they have their mother escort them out, and for others, they have either a married MOH or an aunt who is married. For me, I had my aunt. Note that the bride's father is not partaking in this particular conversation. In the Vietnamese culture, the bride's mom has this important role because daughters are closer to their mothers.
6. After the bride arrives downstairs, she bows to the priest, then to her grandparents and parents, and then to the rest of the family. Then the groom delivers to her the bouquet.
7. The groom greets the bride (he can be kneeling or standing, the choice is yours) and asks her to marry him.
8. In the Vietnamese culture, earrings and necklaces are more common heirloom choices than rings. The groom's mother presents the bride's mother with earrings. The bride's mom puts the earrings on the bride, as her going away gift. Then the groom's mom continues to do the other side as a homecoming gift, which is a gesture that shows she is becoming her new daughter.
9. The bride and groom light two candles and venerate the bride's ancestors for intercession on blessing their marriage and their future family. Afterward, the couple turns and bows to their parents, giving thanks for raising and protecting them. Then the bride and groom bow to each other.
10. A formal tea ceremony follows. The bride and groom always offer tea starting with the oldest man and his wife, and so on. (Some families have the bride and groom offer tea only to their grandparents and their parents and some families have them serve their aunts and uncles as well. The choice is yours.) Special note is to always handle the tea cups with both hands for respect. As the bride and groom serve the tea, each person will give advice and best wishes.
11. After the tea ceremony, the bride and groom will light incense at the altar. In Catholic families, sometimes they will again ask the bride's ancestors for intercession with incense, or sometimes they will substitute this with the Rosary, a Gospel reading, etc. or they do both.
12. Mealtime! The reception finally comes. The most important part of the reception is for both families to get to better know each other. Back then in Vietnam (read: parents' day and age), the families went to the groom's house as the groom's family hosted the reception, since the bride and groom were usually neighbors. Now in the US, both the Lễ Đính Hôn and the reception usually take place at the bride's home.
13. It's each family's choice whether they want to do a cake cutting or not. If they do, the bride and groom will serve the cake to the oldest man and his wife, and so on, just like the tea all over again.
14. The bride and her family send the guests home with food and the gifts that the groom and his family brought that day to share.
Etiquette Tips
TIP: Leave the pig's feet and tail intact. Having a whole pig is a symbolism of the whole and total love that the bride and groom share.
TIP: As the bride or groom, handle everything with both hands, whether you are receiving or giving. This is most important when you're serving tea. So hold the tea cup with both hands!
TIP: It's most appropriate that the bride's parents unwrap and share the gifts that were brought earlier in the day at the reception. The bride's family may want to give back some of the gifts to the groom's family for good luck. Any other leftovers can be later given to co-workers, friends, and family members who were not able to join that day.
TIP: As the bride or groom, handle everything with both hands, whether you are receiving or giving. This is most important when you're serving tea. So hold the tea cup with both hands!
TIP: It's most appropriate that the bride's parents unwrap and share the gifts that were brought earlier in the day at the reception. The bride's family may want to give back some of the gifts to the groom's family for good luck. Any other leftovers can be later given to co-workers, friends, and family members who were not able to join that day.
Planning Tips
TIP: I find that the best way to communicate with your family how you envision the Lễ Đính Hôn is to watch YouTube videos. That way, you can pick what you like and don't like. Talk about cross-cultural communication!
Resources
Q&A on Chinese Wedding Tea Ceremony History
Chinese Historical and Cultural Project
Le Dinh Hon Proofs
Brian & Jackie's Dinh Hon by Brian Khang Photography
Brian & Virginia's Dinh Hon by Kim Le Photography
Jessica & John's Dinh Hon by Thao Vu Photography
Tiffany and Nguyen's Dinh Hon by Amanda Doublin
Diem & Thomas's Dinh Hon by Huy Phan
Chinese Historical and Cultural Project
Le Dinh Hon Proofs
Brian & Jackie's Dinh Hon by Brian Khang Photography
Brian & Virginia's Dinh Hon by Kim Le Photography
Jessica & John's Dinh Hon by Thao Vu Photography
Tiffany and Nguyen's Dinh Hon by Amanda Doublin
Diem & Thomas's Dinh Hon by Huy Phan
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